Thursday, July 29, 2010
UGH! What am I doing?!?
well, i went through a couple of days of training at the running store and it was really great. i went in for my first shift as a cashier (to start--then after you do that for a while they move you "up" to sales) and got in my car to go to work this afternoon and i had a flat tire. oh no. not a good sign. i had a really bad gut feeling as i was going in to the store, and when i got there, i just said to one of the floor managers and one of the cashiers, "you know, i just don't think i really want to do this. no hard feelings, i just don't want to waste anyone's time if this isn't right for me."
how does this happen? how does something that seemed so good a few days ago seem really not quite right now?
the only way i can explain it is with the following analogy. i used to be a ski instructor at one of the premier resorts in the US. i taught skiing for 6 years there, and even took one winter off to teach skiing in Southern Germany. what i learned was this: sometimes you can't turn something that you love into a job that you love. you lose your love for that activity. by turning my love for skiing into a job, i became disillusioned with the beauty and grace and joy of skiing and what it brought to me. i was unable to translate that joy into joy for others. i had a flashback this week. i became uncertain of my ability to turn my love of running into a sales job. as much as i wanted it to be the romantic idea of inspiring others to run and enjoy things like i do, the reality of the fact that i was selling them stuff (stuff that they wanted, let's be clear, but stuff nonetheless) was losing its appeal to me.
so, i'm sorry if i let anyone down. i started to feel like i might have let myself down too, but in fact i'm just being honest with myself and my feelings. i'm beyond this. i'm not sure what i want to do, but my gut feeling tells me that it is not working retail. hopefully some more miles out on the trails this summer will help me find the answer to the question of what i am going to do with myself.